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October 10, 2005
On the Will to Keep Track
First off, acknowledgement of an unbloggish gap in posts. No excuse, just ordinary life overrunning time to write. Back when I was training for something real and specific (rowing world championships), I kept detailed—embarrassingly detailed—prolific journals. It was the perfect thing to do, for someone who didn’t knit or nap: In the peak summer training months, when we were off at camp and at regattas, rowing twice a day and monitoring caloric intake carefully, we were often physically tired. We were also away from home and work, so there wasn’t a lot that required doing. So sitting and writing was just the right activity. Besides there were endless mysteries in the coach’s thinking and worries about the minutiae of one’s stroke or recovery or whatnot, so that pages could get filled reporting one seat-race and its significance.
(e.g., (names changed) “Clearly, if Carol had raced for the 3rd starboard again (Amy vs. Lucy) and not the 2nd (Amy vs. me), she might not have been able to take Amy [to world championships]. Racing her against me ensured that at least she could bring her as a spare. The first time she switched me & Amy, I had to switch into the coxing seat and I had not coxed the whole camp; Amy frequently did. On the last day, we switched and went to start the piece. Carol stopped it really before we started because there was a tailwind & we’d drifted too far. By this point, my back was killing me—it’s the starting and stopping and sitting at the finish that really gets unbearable. And I was stretching it and holding it, etc. We started the piece again. My boat jumped out in the first three strokes and Carol stopped the piece again. Without saying why. I could only think it was to aggravate my back. I refused to be aggravated. I sort of liked it. It made me feel like an underdog, on the defense. Well, I don’t feel like such a whiner with all this because I did win. So it isn’t an excuse. Still, I feel somewhat like a whiner." Etc. etc. etc.)Thank god we didn’t have blogs then.
The habit was hard to break, too. After a world championship when the training intensity was past, I still felt compelled to write, to record. I remember saying once, “ I need two lives: one to just live and the other to write it down.” The person I said it too thought it was really strange, but another lightweight rower pal totally understood. (Thank you, Nomi.)
All I can say is I wish I still had that habit. When I retired from competitive rowing, my journal keeping really fell off. Just as if (as I often remark about my ability to get up early, or to care intensely about boatspeed) “I used it up.” I wish I hadn’t because I’m afraid I won’t remember anything that happened to me in this section of life. Hopefully other people are keeping track of their own lives and I can extrapolate from where we intersect.
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